But My Thoughts You Can't Decode
by KaseyRae
Summary: Heartbroken Bella's best friend Angela is sick of her wallowing away in her own sadness. In order to get her out, she pushes her to hang out with the Cullen's at La Push, and just for a day, channel her inner sex goddess. Thats good and all, but what happens after that takes a turn for the worst. AH/AU/OOC. Rated M for Lemons, Suicidal attempts, and serious angst.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey. This is my first dedicated fanfic! It's definitely not a story for those of you who can't stand gory violence. It starts out light, and graduates to dark. Some OOC. The story of two lovers heartbreak, a zombie, a faint, and a fire. Some burns are only skin deep, but others can shoot straight into the heart.**

* * *

"Come on, Bella. It'll be fun." My best friend, Angie, pleaded. "There's gonna be music. There's _never_ music at La Push!"

I sighed. "I could just as easily plug in my iPod." I reminded her. Angie rolled her eyes and slapped my wrist softly.

"That's not what I mean, Bee!" She reprimanded me. I fought the urge to laugh. She was doing this more and more frequently, and honestly, I found it quite hysterical. Angie saw my mouth slipping just a bit. "What's so funny?"

"The fact that you can't stay away from a boy for less than 24 hours." I replied, not really giving a damn how much I insulted her. She scoffed, her eyes narrowing.

"Its called being a teenager, Bee. Sadly, you haven't quite graduated to that standard yet." She mocked, her voice sugary sweet and fake. I gasped.

"How dare you!" I demanded. She exploded into laughter. "I'm just as developed in that category as you are!" Angie shook her head.

"Than prove it!" She said with a snap. She shot me a sinister smile. I giggled.

"Um, isn't the snapping extremely 70's?" I said with a grin. She shook her head, confidence radiating from her smile. "Then it should be."

"Bee, just come along. What's the worst that can happen? Jake didn't break your heart _that _far. Its been three weeks since you've even checked a guy out. How are you surviving?"

"Well, I'm doing okay. I like being single." I said softly, fighting the urge to deny every word.

"Being single and being isolated are two completely different things. Go change into a bathing suit before I force you outside in jeans." Angela finally groaned.

"But-"

"But nothing. Go change into this suit." She tossed me the skimpiest bikini I owned, and was probably going to make me wear my silver flip-flops, too. I moaned the second I got into the bathroom. This was going to be a long day.

I changed into the suit and rubbed some sunscreen onto my skin. The sun wasn't usually very strong in Forks, but I wanted to be on the safer side. I grabbed the sunglasses on the side table of the bathroom, and walked out into my bedroom.

Angie smiled when she saw me. I supposed she was pleased that I had gone along with the plan. "You look great, Bee. Why don't you wear blue more often? You look great in it."

I rolled my eyes. "Good to know." I replied, sarcasm dripping in my every word. "Okay, can we just go now so I can get this over with?" Angela tossed me a white cover-up dress.

"Whatever. Yeah, get in my car. Oh- and, Bee?" She called out to me.

"Yeah?"

"Don't think you're going out without those flip flops. I'm getting them now." Maybe I would change, but Angela would cease to surprise me.

* * *

Angela's car was a BMW convertible. I, for one, was completely surprised. I could have sworn she liked old cars. "What's with the high end gas guzzler?" I muttered, just above the cars soft engine.

"Didn't you know I liked BMW's? My dad's friend is the manager of the company. He got a good deal on this guy, anyway. I'm leasing it."

"No, it's not that. I just thought you liked old cars better. You complimented the truck." I didn't have to specify for Angie to know that I meant my '67 red Chevy. Even though it didn't have a piece of high-end equipment in sight, I was still in love. He was my baby- the only piece that I allowed myself to keep of Jacob.

From what Jake had said, Embry had found the car on the reservation. Who knows if he had lied about that, too? Jake mentioned that he had the car 'up and running' in 24 hours, something he liked to boast about whenever he talked cars. Billy had actually confirmed that the car had Jake stumped for days. It had actually taken about a month for him to fix it up.

"Bee? Bee? Bee, wakey wakey…" Angela muttered, bringing me out of my stupor.

"Oh, sorry. What were you saying?" I muttered sheepishly, embarrassed to be brought out of my imagination, even from my best friend.

"I was _saying_ that it was called a compliment. It doesn't mean that I like old cars. Old cars simply," She paused. "Fit your personality, I should say."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It _means_ that you are old fashioned." Angie stated simply. I widened my eyes in horror.

"Excuse me?"

"Bee. You know _exactly_ what I mean. I swear, it's like you were born in the 50's!" Angela exclaimed.

I sat there, confused and disoriented. "You… do realize that I'm not old-fashioned, don't you? I use a phone, a computer, and a TV. I play music from my iPod." I reminded Angie.

"What are you currently listening to?" She questioned.

"Debussy."

Angie sighed. "That's exactly what I mean. You would rather listen to classics then listen to a good pop song. When we go to garage sales, you not only hate the new, good items- you gravitate towards the antiques! You won't wear revealing clothing, and you won't date for months after a guy breaks up with you. Hell, you won't even go near a guy! Bee, you need to wake up and smell the coffee- life isn't just going to hand you things. You've got to work for them."

"I have a job, Angie."

She groaned. "You're hopeless, aren't you?" She cried out in frustration.

"Nah, just after you decided to join the _popular crowd_, you've had a problem with everything I wear and do. Maybe you need to be brought back to reality."

Angie pulled into the parking lot of La Push. "Having a boyfriend is the best thing that's ever happened to me." She stated. "Ben is amazing. He loves me for who I am, and doesn't question my abilities. We're in this together- we don't do things that we aren't _both _comfortable with."

"Well, then good for you." I muttered. "Not all of us are this lucky, you know."

"No, Bee. That's the problem." Angie put the car into park, and turned off the engine. "You need to get into your head that this _could _be you, but you are forcing yourself deeper and deeper into this hole of being single."

"That's an odd analogy."

"Its beside the point." She muttered, obviously annoyed.

"Look, I get what you are saying, Ang. I'll pretend for a day. For this one day, I'll be a socially equipped, boy-crazy, fashionable girl. If I like it, I'll continue. If I don't, we never tried this. Do you get what I'm saying?"

Angie nodded, and her face lit up. "Great, girl! Lets go knock 'em dead and flaunt what we got." She rose to get out of the car.

"You make us sound like strippers!" I moaned.

"Hey now! This wasn't part of the plan." I rolled my eyes, but followed orders. It was just for a day. I wouldn't meet anyone, wouldn't see anyone. It would be perfectly fine. I was so sure of it.

* * *

I should have known we weren't going to be the only one's there. Angela had recently joined the popular crowd. Her friends were probably swarming on the beach, picking up guys left and right.

"Hey, there's Alice!" Angela observed. She waved over to a group of girls and guys that I couldn't name.

"Who's Alice?"

"She's the pixie, probably not taller than 5 feet 3, black spikey hair, hazel eyes." Angela stated off the top of her head. "She's wearing 3 inch flip flops that make her our height. It's pretty funny."

We made our way over to the blanket where she was sitting. Alice smiled when she saw Angie, and she motioned for us to come sit next to her.

"Bella, this is my second self, Alice Cullen."

"Pleased to meet you, Bella!" Alice chirped with real enthusiasm. It had been a while since I had met a girl Angie liked that didn't use a nasal voice or have a fake attitude.

_Be social for Angie. Be social for Angie. Be social for Angie. _I chanted in my head. "Hey, its _great _to meet you! Angie's told me only good things, don't worry!" I replied, copying the tone that Alice had used. No one seemed to notice my fake, and I smiled from the confidence.

"Ally, did you see Ben yet, or did he not make it?" Angela questioned. Obviously she was trying to include me, but this was definitely directed towards Alice.

She smiled. "Over there, near Tyler and his crowd." Alice pointed, her thin arm stretching out as far as it could go. Angela met Ben's eyes.

"I hope you don't mind if I go for a bit, do you two?" Angela asked, her eyes flickering between her boyfriend and us.

"Nah, go have fun." I replied. '_At least Alice doesn't know me, so she won't have the best idea when I'm faking enthusiasm.' _I said mentally.

"Thanks, bestie. Ally, would you introduce Bee to the rest of your gang? I'm sure she's bound to find a hottie somewhere." Angie called out. I glared her way, but she only smiled. Dammit, I was stuck.

"You must have a nickname, too." Alice said. "When we met, she told me she gave everyone a nickname, no exceptions."

I laughed. "Its true. She even call's our science teacher-"

Alice interrupted, "Mr. Murray?"

"Yeah, him. She calls him "Murmur-man" behind his back. Probably cause he never talks above a whisper. I think she even called him that in class once, but he didn't seem to notice. Still, she was bright red for the rest of the period and no one could figure out why."

Alice laughed, a sound that only the smallest of silver bells could produce. "Let me introduce you to my siblings, and my almost-siblings." She stated.

"Almost siblings?" I was confused at the title.

"They're going to marry sooner or later, so we're sisters for all intents and purposes." She gave me a wink, and I gave a half smile. We were only 17; I wasn't intent on thinking about marriage.

Alice grabbed my hand and we walked over to another mat, close by. "I have two siblings, and they're both brothers." She said, her face contorted into faux disgust. I giggled.

"The first, and also the oldest, is Emmett. He's the one in the navy swimsuit." She pointed to a college boy who was big and bulky, his hair as dark as Alice's. "He's 20, and almost out of college. He wants to be a football coach." She continued. "His girlfriend over there is Rosalie. She comes off a little nasty at first, but just give her a chance."

"Who's Rosalie?"

"She's the blonde one who should be a model. She's too self conscious, and she really needs to get over it." My eyes flickered to the blonde girl whose eyes were glued to Emmett.

"Oh. Her?" I stuttered, as she caught my eye and turned her glare fully to me. Geez. It was like I ran over her puppy or something.

"Don't give her the satisfaction. She's just afraid of newcomers. She thinks there going to steal her man." Alice said nonchalantly, as if it was obvious, and I was clearly missing the facts.

"And you're other brother?" I asked, wanting desperately to change the subject off of Rosalie and her annoying ideas.

"Well, Angie's been telling me you've been looking for a guy- and I swear, I can _see _you two together. He's perfect for you, you're perfect for him, and he's single!" Alice chirped, her voice getting higher pitched with every word.

"Take a chill pill, chipmunk." I giggled. Alice glared. "I'm sure he's lovely at all, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now. I'll give it a shot, but that's all I'll do."

"You sure? He's good looking, I swear, I-" I cut her off.

"I appreciate your concern, but none of the guys interest me right now. The only guy I have eyes for right now?" I scanned the horizon. "Him." I pointed to a beautiful bronze haired boy, who was busy playing beach volleyball on Emmett's team. He was perfect enough to be a god, but I was sure he was taken.

I glanced at Alice to see she was trying to hide a smile. "Hey Edward! Come meet Bella!" She yelled across the beach. The boy, Edward, glanced at Alice and their eyes met. Even from the distance I was at, I could see that they were a magnificent emerald green. My heart skipped a beat.

Edward took a small run towards us. I wondered what the connection between them was. Perhaps she knew him through her brother, or Emmett.

He nodded at Alice and that's when his eyes met mine. He reached out his hand, and I gladly took it, feeling an unfamiliar spark between us. "Hi, it's nice to meet you. I'm Edward Cullen." He said softly, his voice with beautiful musical tones.

I gasped softly. _He _was Alice's brother? "H-hi… I'm Bella… Swan. Bella Swan." I stammered, oblivious to his gorgeous looks. He chuckled softly, and I blushed. Alice cleared her throat.

"Now, while this is amusing, can you two move it along? I didn't think it would be _this _easy to hook you two up. I guess I was wrong." Alice remarked sarcastically. I could barely look at her. His emerald eyes were drawing me in, deeper and deeper with each second. '_No, Bella. You __**won't**__ fall in love again. You don't want to get hurt like you got with Jacob. No need to be cheated on. I'm sure he has a girlfriend and if he doesn't, why would he go for me? That's right, use your common sense.' _My inner self murmured.

I finally had the strength to turn to Angela for help. She caught my eye easily. _'You said you would!' _She mouthed. '_I know…_' I mouthed back. She gave me a glare that read, '_Do this for me- for the both of us._' I rolled my eyes, and turned back to Edward.

"Well, Alice, why don't you leave me to do the rest of the work, okay?" Edward said, amused by the situation we were in. She sighed, and got up to leave.

"Bye!" I called out cheerily. She turned around and stuck her tongue out at me. I smirked, and then faced Edward once more. He smiled softly.

"Shall we try again?" He asked me quietly. "I'm Edward Cullen."

"I'm Bella Swan… and I'm so glad I met you." I murmured softly. Flirting and I didn't always end in catastrophe's- I simply had to pretend to be a smooth talker, just for a one-night-stand, and nothing more.

He gave me a panty-dropping crooked smile, and I almost fell to my knees. This man was going to be the death of me. I just couldn't believe that I was never going to be his.

The social part of me was begging to stay with Edward for the rest of my life, get married, have three kids, and live in a house with a white picket fence. The introversive side of myself wanted me to grab a towel, hide my cleavage, and run away from Edward as fast as I could. My heart told me yes, but my head told me no.

Why was I so determined that I could go with my head?

* * *

The rest of the day, I sat with Edward and his friends, and just relaxed, we didn't worry- we just hung out, and pretended like we didn't have a care in the world- at least, I did.

Edward and Alice's family were incredibly kind and sweet. Emmett, Edward's older brother, thought it was funny to crack a bunch of pickup jokes. Rosalie didn't exactly approve, but I reminded her that I was being Edward's for the night just by the looks at him alone. She didn't say anything, and I was relieved.

No one asked many questions. There was the usual, "where are you from", and "what do you do", but none beyond that. I kept quiet, used decent table manners, and avoided anyone's intense gazes. Alice looked at me every so often, but I only looked away. How could I lie to anyone? Anything I said could be used against me later.

After dinner was cleared, Edward and I walked out on to the patio. I expected him to be all smiles, but instead a blank look had occupied his face. I tried to think back of anything I had done to cause it. I came empty. Before I could say anything, he opened his mouth to speak.

"You were quiet this evening." He stated simply.

"Um… Yeah. That's true, I was." I replied, not really wanting to get into the topic. I walked to the hammock and lied down. He followed simply. He smiled at me sadly, and his eyes made me want to keep him more.

"There's something on your mind." It wasn't a question.

"I suppose. Isn't there always? Besides, I'm better at pouring my feelings out virtually." I tried to marginally lighten the mood.

He rolled his eyed, and chuckled. "Give me your phone number, and we can text sitting together." I laughed until I realized what he was asking.

I froze.

I couldn't give him this number! Once I left him, what was I going to get? That's right. A million messages. One million reminders that I left my true love. One million chances to return that I'd be forced to decline. I couldn't do this.

"No." I said.

"No?" He asked, disappointed.

"No, I can't give you my number."

He looked very confused. "Why not? Is there something I'm missing? I know you have a phone. Every 17 year old has a phone, for crying out loud."

"It's a long story and in the end I think it will be better for both of us."

I hoped he wouldn't get it, and he'd add two and two together and get five. I wasn't so lucky.

His entire face contorted into pain, then confusion, and finally anger. He looked at me then, his entire frame shaking with anger.

"Is that what you fucking think we are, Bella? Did you lie to me all this time? Tell me you don't feel this!" He screamed at me as he grabbed my arm. I felt the quick electric spark. "Tell me that means fucking nothing to you!" I stood there helpless.

He looked into my eyes. The anger faded as quickly as it had come. His words were sad. "Tell me you met my family to have sex with me. Tell me that you didn't feel it when we saw eachother at La Push! Tell me something- anything!"

I took a deep breath, steadied myself, and whispered. "I'll tell you that I'll walk away before you get the chance to break me." And I got up and walked away.

I grabbed my bag in the foyer. I could hear footsteps following, but I ignored the sound. Before long, I reached the door. It was a ten-minute walk back down to my house. I'd make it there.

"Bella!" Edward screamed. "Bella, shit, please wait!" I halted to a stop but refused to turn around.

"What do you mean… how could I break you?" I spun around on my heel, my dark brown hair blowing in the wind. If I didn't know any better, I would be waiting for the director to call, '_cut!'_ and it would all be over.

"You could break me easily. Just let go, Edward. I'm not ready." I muttered.

"Then I'll hold on for as long as I can." He pleaded, his eyes scared, but never wavering from mine.

"You don't understand!" I finally screamed. He stopped, his face blank.

"What don't I understand, Bella?" He asked. His voice sounded hoarse and wary. I was wrong in my mind- he actually fucking cared for me, and I was pushing him away.

I recited the story as though I was reading a book. "My ex-boyfriend… you don't know what he did to me! How he almost killed me, how he tried to rape me. In the beginning, he was all smiles. He had kind brown eyes, and he always took me out to dinners, opening doors for me, letting me order whatever I felt, taking me to La Push, everything! It all changed when I said I wouldn't have sex with him.

Edward took in a sharp intake of breath. He didn't say anything for what seemed like the course of forever.

"Look, I know. You don't want to date a fucking slut like me. Why don't you just go date your brothers' girlfriend? I'm sure that bitch would fit your needs more than a Vegas slut could, isn't that true?" Edward opened his mouth to speak, but I interrupted him. "You're a fucking prude. You know that?"

Edward stared at me wide eyed. I didn't know where I was going with this, but I did know that I had hit a nerve. My heart cared, but my mind would do anything to push him away and keep him away. I didn't fucking care that he cared, because I wasn't going to fall for it again.

"Fuck you, Edward, I'm not going to fall for it again!" I screamed. Edward was breathing heavily now. His nostrils flared; he was angry. Good. _Let him be angry! _My cold-hearted mind screamed at me. I clenched my fists as angry tears threatened to overtake me.

"You know _nothing_." He finally said, his eyes threatening to overtake me. How was it that he became hotter when he was angry? My life was an unfair batch of hell.

"Or do I, Edward?" I sat down on the grass. He followed.

"You have no clue what you do to yourself; what you put yourself through. I could have given you anything you wanted- I would have waited years-decades-centuries! But you chose this. You chose to be cold-hearted. I can't say I respect that. After all, can you really, truly, honestly love somebody after you've just met them; after they have just broke your heart?" He looked at me suddenly. "Just a couple of minutes ago, I could have said that yes." He then got up and walked away.

I stood there speechlessly. Finally, I opened my non-willing mouth to speak. "Edward, _wait_!" I called out into the new dark. How was it possible I didn't notice the sun setting? I could barely make out Edwards shape in the distance. He turned back to face me.

"Bella, that's something I can't do anymore. I decided to wait, but I cannot wait for you to change your mind."

"No, you don't understand! I'm _sorry_; I didn't mean anything I said! Not at all! I know I was a fool, just-"

"Bella, I forgive you." He gave me a sad smile. "It's just… I can't live with your fearfulness. Someday soon, you're going to need to overcome the fear and realize that living in a life of pain is only going to accidently inflict it on others.

I stood there, frozen. "Bu-u-ut.." I stuttered. "You… you promised!" I screamed. "You just said you'd wait for me!"

His sad smile turned cold. "But are sure that's really what you want, Bella? Because really, truly, you still love that man. You're just looking for a one-night-fling, and that's all. You don't really like me- forget _love me_- like I love you. You say it's hard to love someone that broke you. I agree- especially when you could have sworn that he or she was going to stay."

With that, I was lost. He was right. _I _was the prude. _I _was the bitch. His eyes lost all feeling then, and with that, I ran before he could see me cry.

I barely made it to the door before the tears overcame me.

I ran up to my room.

* * *

Hours passed before I heard a couple of quick raps on the door. "Not now, Charlie." I mumbled. I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms

around them tight; rocking back and forth. My eyes were probably red and bloodshot. I probably looked like the slut I was.

"Charlie? That's certainly a new one." A chipper voice replied. A tiny girl with a very small frame walked into the room, almost as though she was dancing. A small smile played on her lips until she saw my posture, not to mention my face. My makeup was probably smearing all over the place. _I was never listening to Angela again! _

"Oh gosh, Bells! Has my Bella been crying?" She said, her entire face formed deeper into a frown. I fought a chuckle; the facial expression looked different on her face- almost like it didn't belong!

"No shit, Sherlock." I muttered. Alice laughed.

"Well, you're certainly in a mood. What did my brother do to you this time? I'm guessing it wasn't charming or dazzling you. In fact, I'm surprised he hasn't come over to be your knight in shining armor yet!"

"It's not his fault- it's me." I supplied. "I'm not surprised, cause I pushed him away."

"Bella, what happened?" I sighed, and began with Jacob. I told her everything, from the meet until the fights, the times he tried to rape me. I explained everything- from my fears to my low confidence rate. I even explained what happened at the beach.

She rested a hand on my knee. "Bella, I'd say you have some thinking to do, but clearly you know that." I chuckled darkly. "Here's the truth. You need to understand that my brother- he's in a broken state since he did what he did. Its fucking eleven o'clock and you are still up- and so is he."

"What has that got to do with anything?" I groaned.

"He's just as broken as you are. Did I ever tell you about Edward Sr.?"

I looked at her, confused. "No, I doubt that you did. I certainly don't think he told me either."

"If I say 'lol' would you consider it childish?" Alice asked then. I laughed. "I'll take that as no. Well then, lol!"

I laughed even harder. "Well, who was he?"

"He was Edward's father. He died actually from pneumonia. I think he was 35. Edward was eleven. Esme married Carlisle two years later. That's why Emmett and I look different from Edward. Emmett looks like our mother. She divorced Carlisle when we were about eight. The finalization happened when we were ten. She didn't speak to us for two whole years. Neither Emmett nor I ever forgave her for that. I doubt that we ever will. The truth is, though, we all miss our parents. Hell, I died my hair!" Alice said.

I gasped. "You… died… your…. hair?" I spat. It wasn't in an angry fashion- I was just simply surprised, and astounded at this confession.

"Yep, Bells. I'm a natural blonde!" Alice claimed, showing me her roots. I had to laugh. "See, I died my hair for her. Should I never see her again- well, she was my mother after all, for eight whole years. – At least I have a piece of her to bring with me for the rest of my life."

I nodded. She continued. "The thing is, Edward never got that. See, he was eleven. And his new mother beat him. Before Esme, obviously. So you could say that he's experienced quite a lot of loss, just like you. I think you need to both realize how you could help eachother."

She left me then. I couldn't help but wonder what to think.

* * *

"Hey, Bee." Said a soft voice that could only belong to Angela Weber. I turned and squinted my eyes as they adjusted to the bright flashlight flowing into my eyes.

"Would it fucking kill you to turn the damn blinder off?" I hissed at her. Her eyes widened, and she began to laugh. I groaned, and tossed a pillow her way. She shown the light on my face; advertising my frown.

"Well, than you better light a candle then. This room is like a dark dungeon." I scowled.

"That's exactly what it is," I muttered, as I got out the lavender smelling one that I got from my mom probably twenty-five years ago.

"Bella. Seriously. I just got a call from Alice." My eyes snapped up to hers. "Edward… it's bad."

"Just tell me." I whispered.

"He… his old step-mother and him… they had a fight." I breathed in sharply. "Edward was horribly bruised. I came down to see him, to make sure he was okay for you. In the end, my riotous mind knew that when it all came down to the bloody battle, you'd end your life to save him. I could see it in your eyes. So I went to look for him. There was blood, but that's not what I noticed. His… voice. Fuck, his voice. It was detached as hell." She said, her eyes slightly watering. I began shaking slightly.

"Wha…What did you two…. Talk about?" I stuttered. She closed her eyes, and began to run through the entire conversation.

"_It was about 9PM, and I walked over to go to his house. Alice and I are close, you know. From what she told me, he was in his room. He wouldn't speak to his immediate family, and she guessed that I had a chance. I walked into the room and was astonished at what I saw._

_He was gone. Not even there. Not crying. Nothing. At first I thought he had commited suicide or something, but it was worse. I saw the note on his bedside table._

'_**If you are coming to look for me,' **__He wrote, __**'I'll first say, "fuck you." I don't want your presence. My life is not worth anything, so don't make it anything. Screw you, and screw your parenting, your brothering and sistering. I'm done with each and every one of you. **_

_**Carlisle, why did you marry her? Why not Esme first? She tried to kill me this morning, and just an hour ago she tore at my clothes and skin until blood was unleashed, and pouring out of my skin. I almost had to kill her to get her off of me. **_

_**Esme, how could you not tell me about your past? You **_**lied **_**to me, Esme. I thought that you were with Carlisle because you loved him. Of course you do now- but only someone heartless would marry a rebound. It's about time Carlisle found out of this, isn't that right, bitch? Rejoice your inner-slut, Esme, because you won't be getting any tonight.**_

_**Rosalie, we all know what I should say, but instead, I'll sum it up into this: Why do you have to be a bitch towards me, towards our family and towards B… towards **_**her**_**? **_

_**Emmett, you always have been a brother to me, but you never understood me and you never will. I'm not a prude, I'm not gay, and I'm NOT A FUCKING PUSHOVER!**_

_**As for you, Jasper, you did nothing wrong except everything. Why do you ignore my soul? You are like me in a way that no one shall ever understand- you are my **_**fucking cousin!**_** No one told you that, did they? Well, I'll tell you this: Your **_

_**mother was my fathers sister- Diana Masen. That's right. They told you about Diana, yes, but never her last name, right? That's true. And yet you ignore me like the plague.**_

_**Finally…**_

_**Alice, why the fucking bloody hell did you do this to me? I never hated you, but you killed me tonight. I shall never forgive you for the pain you caused me. This is your entire fault that **_**she **_**came and went. I cannot look at you, much less call you a sister. We are siblings simply by our parenting- nothing else can ever bond me to you. You have dropped me deep down, and I shall never let you out of this. You have finished me completely. Take my body, my brains, my looks, my talents. But you, Alice. You've taken my soul. **_**She **_**can only take my soul- it's rightfully hers. But I'm through with your antics. Goodbye.**_

_**I'll be here in body, but never here in spirit. You have Alice and **_**her **_**to thank.**_

_**-Edward.'**_

_I then walked into the piano room, to see him playing this hauntingly beautiful melody. That's when I heard his voice. _

"_Good evening, Angela." He said emotionlessly. I stood there. He was still amazing with words… just, his voice was different._

"_Um… hi." I said. He didn't break his song. I saw that there was no sheet music; he had to have written it by himself, and he probably did just now._

"_What would you like?" He asked dully, again. I clenched my fists. He was getting on my nerves now._

"_Stop talking to me like I'm a client! You've known me for years, through Alice, through Ben, through everyone! You know me. _

_It was then that I saw his face._

_It was perfectly carved as though he was a still statue. His mouth was in a thin, hard line, and his jaw was set and very taught. His eyes, though, were the only sign that he was alive. _

_They were open and filled with emptiness. Nothing. And somehow, I knew that the only way to fix it would be to bring Bella back into his life._

_He then repeated, "What can I do for you Angela?" It was then that I lost it._

_I slapped him, and suddenly the music stopped. "Dammit, Edward!" I screamed. He recoiled, and turned to me in fury, shaking, his fists clenched. He then opened him his mouth. I believed he was letting out a silent scream._

_A tear fell from my face and I put my hand on his shoulder that had slipped out from under me. I sniffed slightly, and then saw that he had dropped to his knees, head in his hands. The bruises were more prominent than what I had seen before. I suddenly saw everything- the scars, the marks, the cuts and bruises, the tears at his shirts and pants, the too-tousled hair, everything._

_And then I heard a sob. And another. Edward _never _cries. He stopped crying when his mother died, and it's been about ten years. Two sobs turned into many, and suddenly, I could barely handle the pain, and-"_

"**STOP**!" I suddenly screamed. No. Couldn't handle pain. Numb. Needed Edward. Fuck. My. Life. I was a bitch. Pain. Sadness. Yelling.

Afterwards, I could barely think. Needed Edward. Go to Edward. Needed him now. Sobbing. Pain. Cruelty. Cruel, cruel, pain, twisting the knife further into my chest. I was breathing in short, stabbing rasps.

I made a soft choking sound, and I was gone. As I felt myself slipping away, I could hear the faint murmurs and undertones of Angela's screaming. I willed my teary eyes to open one last time, for my breath to continue to breathe. It was short now, heavy. My eyelids drooped closed. Angela screamed and ran to who was probably Charlie.

My chest arched off the bed, as a result of my heart pounding. There was the pain, the shaking. My eyes widened inconsiderably, and my neck strained. Suddenly, I slumped back down onto my bed.

Everything blurred, and I knew either I was going down for the night, or for good.

"I love you, Edward, I'm sorry." I whispered. It was the least I could do. The least I could offer him right now. The darkness consumed me, and the last thing I thought was about the candle in my bedroom that I didn't quite put out exactly. Suddenly, my entire body warmed.

Either this was hell, or our house just became ablaze on fire.

I went out.

* * *

I was burned; thoroughly burned from head to toe. Covered in dust and smoke, unconscious, heartbroken, seething, livid, and hopeless, it was official. I was a mess.

"Bella! Bella!" My favorite voices screamed.

That's all I knew this voice as. I couldn't put two and two together. My mind struggled to understand the complicated message. My eyes tried to flutter open but they were too heavy to process the order. My heart rate went down. I might of died again, who the fuck knows.

"Bella, fuck, stay with me! Love, please! I-" The darkness consumed me a second time, and I couldn't hear what the angel screamed to me. It was all just a faint mutter now. The murmur grew quieter and quieter until it couldn't be heard anymore.

* * *

**Okay, did you guys like it? I know, angsty. But it took **_**so **_**long to do! I've been working on this since… what… maybe May or June? Okay, it took a long time. This might be about ten chapters at the most. Enjoy!**

**-Kasey**


	2. The Awakening

**A/N: All right, you guys were really patient for waiting for me to finish this. Thanks! Anyway, at this rate, I'm trying to update every week. Maybe on Saturdays or Sundays. I'll see. Well, anyway, the title **_**is **_**based on Paramore's song on the twilight soundtrack: Decode. Obviously **I don't own the song. I also don't own the characters; that's all Stephanie Meyer's doing. **Now, that that's all cleared up, here's the next chapter! Thanks for looking this, and… good l****uck**** getting through this! Its dense, and I'm not going to make it easy for them.**

**Thanks for all the favoriting and the response to the pilot chapter! I appreciate each and every one of your reviews, I really do. 3 Thank you, my readers. **

My shoulders were stiff as I came back to consciousness. I mentally cringed. _Where the hell was I?_ My memory was fuzzy around the edges. It was almost like I was behind this bridge leading to the truth. I remembered this guy, this _hot _guy. But his face was etched into my memory in a cold, sinister smile that I think I put there.

Fuck.

I didn't get much more. I remember being lifted softly into the sky, and coming back down. Multiple times this process repeated. Crap. Charlie was probably freaking out, and so was Angela. Was I really alive at this moment? No, probably not. I wanted to crack my bones- it was so awkward sitting here.

I searched a little further into this memory, and came up with nothing but Alice's little words to live by. _"I think you both need to realize how you could help eachother." How you could help eachother. H-E-L-P. Eachother. _

But since when was I taking Alice Brandon Cullen's fucking advice? Since the zombie apocalypse. Exactly- never.

I tried to open my eyes, but breathing was the only thing manageable right now. Whatever. I tried to open my ears, and I couldn't real form words, but I could form _voices. _

There was a manly, rough, yet strangely comforting voice. That was probably Charlie. It seemed concerned, but, well, I could understand that. It was conversing with a flitty, soft, yet upbeat- for the situation, at least- voice that I had come to understand as Renee.

Then, there was the doctors voice. He was closest. His muffled words were filled with covered emotion. This was interesting, hearing emotions, but no words.

And finally, we'd come upon the best voice of them all. The perfect, velvet-like voice belonging to the love of my life, and my soul- I'd finally connected _'that hot guy' _and recognized him as Edward… Cullen. Edward Cullen.

The man I'd cried, fainted, and burned a house down for. Oh, right. **I'd burned a fucking house down. **Great. That house was Grandma Swan's. Charlie was going to kill me.

The words were coming in clearer now. I was dying to move, but scrunching up my face was too agonizing, and it took too much work. Finally, I decided upon twitching my hand. Hard, but not anything I couldn't accomplish.

It hurt more than I fucking I imagined, but I tried to ignore it. This was about waking up- not that I _wanted _to, but I guess that wasn't really the important part, here, now was it?

No.

Okay, I seriously need therapy.

"She's twitched her hand." Edward's voice. It was urgent, needing. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. I knew that. I'd been the one to do it. Oh, fuck it. No one would see my eyes. I doubted anyone had for some time.

The door opened. "Hey, how is she doing, Renee? Charlie?" I think it was Angela Weber. Then her voice turned cold. "Edward." She sneered. "What do you think _you're _doing here, asshole?" Jesus Christ, I didn't know that she had it in her! All that talk with the popular girls probably got her up into the running.

"I'm here because I _care, _you bitch." He snapped. "And it fucking seems like you don't have enough respect to just let her rest. Your sneering probably woke her up." Angela probably scowled. Nobody said anything, and I expected Angela to make a comeback, but she didn't.

"How long has she been out?" She finally asked. I would have asked myself, but that's kind of hard when your mouth isn't really intent on moving, and breathing by itself is a challenge all on its own.

"About two days, but it feels like ten weeks." Renee answered solemnly. Oh, wow. My own mother actually cared about me for a change. _So THIS is what it feels like to be loved. Maybe I should pull a stunt like this quite a bit more often._

"Hey, isn't she waking up?" I felt my entire build shake at that comment. It gave me hope. I decided it was time. I opened one eyelid and then the other at nearly the same time, and instead of shapes, I saw a blinding white light.

"Gah!" I screamed, my voice raw from dehydration. Everyone in the room gasped and I visibly tensed, having hated to cause that much attention. I was then met with bright green emerald eyes staring into me. I blinked a couple times, and then I really saw them. They were filled with pain, sadness, weary, and concern, but most of all, the one standing out, was regret. Suddenly, his face flashed into a mask- probably for me.

"Bella," _He _whispered softly. I tried to say his name but it hurt too much. My throat was constricting on me; closing my access to air.

"Wa..t.." I coughed, hard. Then, at that moment, I saw Edward's arms wrap around me. "Drink this, sweetheart." He said lovingly. I looked into his eyes, mine already filled with questions of my own.

I drank up, but before I did, I spoke to him, and he spoke to me. In unison, we spoke quietly. "You have some serious fucking explaining to do."

**A/N: I know this is short, but I promise to update more frequently at this size. **

**Xoxo, Kasey.**


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